We All Still Write in Print

This blog is only five posts old, and I've probably given enough horrible life advice to feed like fifty posts, but this one is going to have some good shit in it, I swear. Don't get me wrong, there's gonna be some detrimental suggestions too, because no True Life with Jon Anderson post would be complete without something that could really screw up someone's life.

My parents and teachers always told me that if I work really hard, get involved, and stay busy, I would be successful in life. You know what else my parents and teachers always told me? That I would have to write in cursive in the real world.

See kids, you don't have to work hard to be successful. You just have to be able to get people to think you're cool. NOTE: You don't have to actually be cool, sometimes that's not possible. You just have to trick people into thinking that you are cool. That could entail one of dozens of things, but we won't get into that right now.

Person A and Person B apply for the same job. Person A has a 4.0 GPA in college and was President of the young overachieving suckups of America group. Person A is also socially awkward and not very attractive. Person B has a 3.25 GPA and was dope at beer pong. Everyone likes Person B because he's funny and considerate, and he's an excellent communicator. Who's getting that job? Well truthfully, I don't know, I'm not the boss, but since it's my blog, we're giving that gig to Person B.

Isn't that wild? Person A worked his (or her) ... (we here at jaonthereal.blogspot.com condemn sexism) ... tooshy off for 8 years in school and lost a job to someone who tried only half as hard as he (or she) did. Person B had a ton of fun in college and never had a dull weekend, while Person A had a cot in the library and might as well have just slept there every night because he (or she) sure as hell wasn't ever gonna have any girls (or guys) over to their room.

Person B is me... except for the getting a job part.

What I'm trying to say is that being personable and socially intelligent beats having good marks on paper any day of the week... unless it's a day of the week that happens to include an academic awards ceremony. Granted, being personable and socially intelligent aren't really things you can teach, some people are just screwed. My advice to you, study hard. Life's not fair, motherhumpers, but here are some tips to help:

• Fake a lot of important phone calls around people of authority. Just talk about large sums of money in them and make sure you refer to the use of e-mails and attachments a lot.
• If you were the captain of your high school football team, you automatically look better. Not everybody was the captain of their high school football team... but everybody has the ability to make a fake t-shirt that says otherwise.
• Don't talk about yourself, and certainly don't brag about yourself. Make people ask you about yourself. Don't ask me how to do that though, because there are some things in life that I haven't mastered yet... giving life advice is one of those.
• But seriously, my life advice is really freakin good.
• Smile a lot. But not some smile that says "I'm happy with my life right now", give me a smile that says "I know something that you don't know, also, I'm happy with my life right now".
• You definitely have to wear hoodies and basketball shorts in public. Not like shorts with patterns and different colors or anything like that. Just get a pair of classy looking straight black basketball shorts. They'll do perfectly.
• Always pick up the tab at restaurants. It's a lot easier to read when you lift it up a few inches.

If that gem of a blog post doesn't get you all six-digit jobs straight out of college, I don't know what will.